Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Fragile Hope

On Saturday I learned that someone I care for deeply is pregnant. She is due a few weeks after me. In almost the same breath with which she told me that she is pregnant, she said "It is not going to happen." She has two beautiful children, but since the second was born she has had three miscarriages, in her words, "each worse than the one before". A loss at 8 weeks. A loss at 12 weeks- with a cancer scare attached. And her most recent loss at 20 weeks. She too gave up trying only to find out shortly thereafter that she is pregnant again. And she greets this news with understandable anxiety. I'd even go so far as to say that she greets this news with terror. And I understand. I don't understand from the inside as I have not suffered the loss of a pregnancy. But... I do know that after my first insemination cycle failed, long time ago now, I pretty quickly said "Oh my God. What will I do if ever I miscarry?" Just not conceiving month after month after month was a rehearsal of hope and grief, over and over and over again. But still, I do not compare it to the devastation of miscarriage or still birth.

I have already blogged here about some of the anxiety or fear I have felt in this pregnancy. When my symptoms backed off at seven weeks I became very nervous that I was no longer pregnant, or that there had been some mistake, that, perhaps, I had never actually been pregnant. It is still hard to believe from time to time that I really am pregnant. My friend's daughter asked me this past weekend "How long have you been pregnant, Sarah?" "Oh, about eight weeks." "You don't LOOK pregnant." I agreed. I do not. And I explained why.

But on the plane to Chicago, and then in the hours of sitting and listening at this training event in St. Louis I have been knitting a baby blanket, for our baby. And Rebecca, my seminary roommate, has been sitting one table over and she has been knitting an adorable sweater (she went with orange and yellow, by the way) for our baby. And yes it is early. And yes, anything could yet happen. But... by the grace of God we will welcome a child into the world in December, and soon thereafter I will wrap him or her in a blanket knit by me, with hope knit into every row. And I will dress that baby in the adorable sweater I'm now seeing in the works and take a picture to send to Indiana, and I will know the hope that is represented in that sweater, a sweater that will be complete before the first trimester is.

Little by little people with me at this training event are finding out that I am pregnant. I'm nibbling on crackers constantly. I look a bit like death warmed over (I think). I was having a hard time staying awake yesterday afternoon. I'm avoiding caffeine and alcohol. And I'm knitting a baby blanket. Sometimes these factors trigger a question or sometimes I just feel like offering an explanation. Yesterday evening one of the participants admired the blanket I'm making and asked if it was for the same baby for whom Rebecca is knitting. I confirmed that indeed it is and told her just who that baby is. I also told her that it is early in the pregnancy. She asked "How early?" And when I said "Nearly nine weeks," she winced. "Ooh, that is early. Just get to 12 weeks before you tell anyone."

I understand that philosophy. I do. But... despite my anxious tendencies, despite all the reasons I have to be suspicious of hope, despite all the vulnerability of this season of our lives... I'm actually hopeful. I'm actually joyful. I'm actually grateful. I know that it is not a given that I would be able to feel this way so soon. And I know that it is perhaps dangerous to feel this way so soon. But I have never had this experience before. And though I do not know what the outcome will be, I am having this experience now. And if I am able to let hope conquer anxiety, that is a gift and a privilege that I want to gratefully receive.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

One Lucky Baby

My goodness, this child is going to have SO MANY wonderful people in her/his life.

We had house guests the past few days- a good friend and her six year old daughter and my mom. We also spent much of the past few days with our dear friends the Adsits. This gave me the opportunity to watch all these wonderful people interacting with a young child and to watch that young child warming quickly to all of them. I watched as young and brilliant K took my mom's hand as she walked towards the rushing waterfall. And as she confidently followed Kelly and Tony to discover various elements of this natural beauty- a beaver's hut was an especially exciting discovery.

But then there's K's mom herself who gave me the fiercest hug once we had a moment to ourselves- who already sent a card to Baby S-D- who already loves this baby fiercely.

And when I think of all our family and friends... this will be one very lucky baby.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Lessons Learned- Number Two

Never take a prenatal vitamin first thing on an empty stomach.

I've been taking them at night ever since my appt last Friday. They said this helps with nausea. But I forgot last night. So I took it first thing this morning when I remembered. And brought it right back up shortly thereafter.

I was a little less happy to be vomiting today. But... I'll take it.

And... lesson learned.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Letting People Know

I had intended to keep the news of our pregnancy very quiet in Lowville, telling only the Adsit family for quite some time. But then I got to thinking about all the people who have walked this painful infertility road with us. And while I'm still not telling everyone and while I'm asking those we tell to not share the news until we do so publicly (which everyone has grasped and honored thus far) every week I tell a few more people.

The day after we found out I was feeling exceedingly spacey and felt I wanted to explain to the secretary. She has wept with me in this struggle before. She wept for joy when I told her the news. She hugged me. She kissed me. She exclaimed "The timing doesn't matter!"

The Saturday after we found out I asked Lorene to come down to the church basement after vespers. She works in one of the hospitals where I had ultrasound after ultrasound and blood draw after blood draw when my body was. not. responding. to higher and higher levels of injectible hormones. We would see her after discouraging testing and she would hug us and assure us of her prayers. I needed to share our joy and ask for her prayers. Kev had thanked God for good news during the open prayer time at vespers and she claims she knew then.

The next morning I told a woman who tried to conceive for something like eight years before she finally did. She now has two children, one born in my first year here, whom she calls her miracles. She teared up and quietly told her husband and assured us of her prayers.

I also told my hair stylist, who is a church member, because she has been checking in with me on the baby front for years now and because I was wondering if I could get my hair colored or not. She squealed. She hugged me. She vowed not to do ANYTHING that could possibly hurt our baby.

The next week passed and I refrained from telling anyone else at church until Saturday rolled around, the day after our second ultrasound, and I was at the coffee shop with two stellar teenagers who were sharing their long kept secret plans for the weekend getaway they have planned to honor Kevin and me. I said "Since I know you two are so good at keeping secrets can I tell you one?" Their eyes got big as they said in unison "Sure!" "O.K. but you can't tell anyone until I tell everyone. We're pregnant." Their eyes bugged out; their mouths dropped open. "That is so exciting!" I explained again why they needed to keep it quiet and they made a motion like they were locking their lips shut. They didn't even tell the mom who picked them up.

The next morning a woman was in church who painted a delicate egg for us a few years ago, all the symbols and colors on the egg were chosen for their fertility significance. She gave me this egg in a beautiful crystal stand as a gift from morning Bible Study. And we have been snow shoeing with her and I have shared my sorrow in the past. I took her aside after church on Sunday, sat down with her, and told her. She started crying. She hugged me. She was beside herself.

Today I decided it was time to tell the Bible Study groups, again, wonderful communities of mutual support and prayer. And the reactions were intense, powerful in both groups. Men stood up to shake my hand. Women jumped up to hug me. Sparkling eyes and pure joy. I also made a pastoral care call to a couple who used to be active in morning Bible Study and I told them. They were utterly giddy. When I asked for prayer requests the husband said "Well, I want to pray for your baby." "Thank you, please do, every day."

I know that yet still anything could go wrong. But these are people whose support I will need should it happen before I leave here. And knowing they are all praying now... ah... this is at least part of why we have church isn't it?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

On Gender

My seminary roommate called last week and said, "So how are you feelin'... like a girl or like a boy?"

I laughed. "I'm feelin' like it is WAY too early to know something like that." In fact, it isn't even gendered yet, right?

"Oh come on, you must have a hunch."

"No, really, I don't. And I'm not planning on finding out until we give birth so you're just going to have to be patient."

"But I'm having a dilemma in the knit shop."

"Just get something that would work either way."

"Well, that was the plan but there is a GORGEOUS orange, but there's only one skein. And there's a lovely teal, but there are only two skeins."

"Well, there are plenty of other colors that go either way. I'd put in a girl in ANY color and I'd put a boy in almost any color." And then I rattled off options.

She sighed and said she'd figure it out.

My sister left me a voice mail today saying that she had a vision today of chubby baby girl legs in tights and she is sure we're going to have a girl. This is the second time she has predicted that. (Another friend guessed girl as soon as she found out we're pregnant.)

I came home from work today and checked the other blog. Someone commented on my post about the curative powers of a big, juicy orange that citrus cravings mean boy. Or at least that that's how it worked out for her.

I wouldn't say I'm craving citrus (or anything in particular), I'm just really enjoying fruit, especially oranges right now.

Funny how significant gender is to folks, eh?

Monday, April 21, 2008

Bird Song

I slept for a chunk of Sunday afternoon. I know a lot of preachers do this, but not me. I usually can't sleep during the day. But yesterday I did. And I had a very strange dream.

I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to get to sleep last night, but... no worries. I think I was out by 10 or so. We left the window open because it was pretty steamy yesterday evening upstairs after a few hot days in a row and I was awakened by bird song at 4:30 this morning. I don't recall ever being so conscious of bird song as I have been the past few weeks this year.

"There were birds in the sky, but I never heard them singing, no I never heard them at all, till there was you..."

That's right, little one, you're tuning me in.

Friday, April 18, 2008

So... the date will never make sense

The ultrasound today (we actually got to bring home a picture) showed me measuring seven weeks 1 day. This makes sense with my hormone levels and symptoms last week. But it doesn't make sense with the start of my last menstrual period. Given my history of irregular cycles the difficulty in dating didn't phase the nurse practitioner or midwife. And other aspects of my exam today confirmed the seven week date, so... it will never make sense, but we'll go with that. Which means... due date... December 4th.

As I found out that I got into Vanderbilt on February 8th, 2008. And I found out we are pregnant on April 8, 2008. Who wants to put money on a birth date of December 8, 2008? I'm not really superstitious, it would just be cool. This is truly a charmed year.

Everything looked good at the appointment today. We spent quite a bit of time with a nurse practitioner on a health history and on pregnancy education. They gave us a goodie bag too. I had a full pelvic exam and breast exam and they took something like 8 vials of blood. I met with one of the midwives briefly, one who was primary on a birth of an acquaintance, actually a birth in which my sister assisted. She was charming. She's going to look into midwives in the Nashville area for us.

So, we saw the baby again today. We saw the heart beating again today. And I puked this morning! I hate vomiting; it has been a rare part of my life story. But, once I got over it, I've been happy about it the rest of the day!

So, right now, I believe it. We are pregnant. Wow.

7 Week Belly Shot

Not so flattering, but... it will be fun to see how things change.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Who knew?

I was really looking forward to my acupuncture appointment today. I've had a headache and increasing muscle tension the past few days and can't take any meds nor a REALLY hot bath to relieve them. Further, I had nutritional questions for her. But she called this morning to confirm that I am indeed pregnant and then told me it is her practice NOT to do treatments on pregnant women, especially in the first trimester, unless there is intense nausea that needs treating. She would be willing to do calming points, a treatment for relaxation only, but... the treatment I was longing for... not an option. She said that it is highly unlikely there would be any problem, but should anything go wrong with this pregnancy, and she certainly hopes it doesn't, she won't let it be because of acupuncture. Sigh.

I was actually hoping to tack a short massage onto my treatment if the massage therapist was available so I thought I'd substitute one for the other. I called the massage therapist and she thought that she might be able to work with me this afternoon. She made a call and then called me back to confirm that yes she could. But she cautioned that she would not massage my lower legs or feet as there is some risk, particularly in the first trimester to vigorous rubbing, particularly around the ankles. Huh. Who knew? The hour massage really was quite glorious, even if she did skip my lower extremities.

My chiropractor treats four people in one open room simultaneously. Well, kind of. We all lay on tables at the same time and he attends to each of us one at a time. This makes confidential conversations challenging, but I wanted to let him know I'm pregnant in case that would alter the adjustment. I wanted to let the woman who was standing in for him last week know, but she was too distracted and never bothered to say hello before adjusting me so, didn't get around to it. He did feel strongly that we need to monitor the adjustments from here on out. I'm glad I told him. Hope no damage was done last week.

I am supposed to get my hair done Saturday morning. Likely this would have involved color, but... not in the first trimester. My hair stylist knows how long we've been trying and she doesn't want to take any chances. So I suggested just getting my nails done instead. She said "sure!" But the pregnancy guide Kelly gave me says it is a bad idea to do nails during pregnancy either. I think I'll have her trim my bangs and shape my nails.

I knew that I'd be giving up caffeine and meds, but... there is so. much. more. to attend to.

I cannot wait until our appointment tomorrow morning. I'm still having a hard time believing there really is a baby in there. In just over 12 hours... I should have confirmation once more.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

On Sugar

So... many years ago I was hanging out with my sixth grade teacher. This was long after sixth grade. I was probably in college, or in the year between college and seminary. We were in her kitchen and it was the Christmas season. And though she is Jewish she had a plate of Christmas cookies on her counter, likely given to her by a student. I took one at her invitation. And then as we stood there and talked I took another, and then another, and then another. I don't know how many I had eaten when she said, in a tone that brought the fire of shame to my cheeks, "You have a SERIOUS problem." I never forgot that.

And when I would get into a cycle of consuming more and more sugar every day as I would from time to time in the years that followed, of driving to the gas station to get some candy because I NEEDED it, of not being able to pass up a cadbury creme egg when I'd be paying for gas, of eating way too many of the goodies brought to Bible Study, when I'd be in this cycle I'd feel lousy about it and I would hear my teacher's voice.

At some point in the last few years I started to call it what it is, an addiction. And in December of 2007 I said to my sister "I seriously think I'm addicted to sugar, but I CAN'T give it up." The woman who has kicked two addictions, or one addiction and one otherwise unhealthy relationship with a substance, in the past few years said"Yes you can, Sarah. You just can't do it in December." So... I started weaning myself in the last week of December. I allowed a bit of indulgence on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day and then, as of January 2nd, I stopped. I still have some sugar in breads and sauces. But I have not had any food items where a primary ingredient is refined sugar or corn syrup for nearly four months now. I have to decide to do this every day. I still want it, but... not as much as I want to overcome my dependence on a substance.

We had a transition team meeting at a church member's house tonight to discuss the terms of dissolution of my call, etc. and one of the elders had made a lovely apple cake for the occasion. At first she was talking about another recipe and the fact that that recipe was super healthy, it didn't have any sugar in it, and I thought she was talking about the cake. But she wasn't. So I refrained. And I explained why. When I said "It is an addiction." She said, "No it's not or you couldn't stop." Umm... tell that to a recovering alcoholic. "I choose every day to avoid it, it isn't easy."

But... honestly... I think it has something to do with why we finally conceived. That wasn't why I gave it up, but I know there are links between insulin and fertility and I know that in the first month off sugar, the only month of fertility interventions with our new doctor my body reacted totally differently to the medicine than it did a year (or was it two years) before with my old doctor. The only thing different in my body was my sugar consumption. And three months into this new discipline, we're pregnant? My reiki practitioner is certain it played a role. And I think so too.

Thanks be to God for the strength to overcome an addiction that may have been a barrier to conception all this time.


Possibly even for the full nine hours my body normally requires.

This day feels much more manageable.

And our first pregnancy appt is now only two days away. Ah...

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

crazy lady

Maybe it is because my sleeping was shallow once again last night.

Maybe it is because we tried so long to conceive and it still doesn't seem possible that we have.

Maybe it is because I'm generally neurotic- yeah. That's it.

My symptoms seem to have decreased in the last 48 hours and I'm having a hard time believing I'm still pregnant. Sigh.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Most Thoughtful and Helpful Gifts

Kelly Adsit stopped by yesterday as I was dozing off in the late afternoon. She delivered a handcrafted bag she picked up at a craft fair some time ago with three gifts inside. The chidren's book "Love You Forever" (which we know and love), some vanilla sugar pampering items for me, and a very helpful guide to pregnancy and birth.

I'm drawing a bath as we speak. My sister had advised against baths in the first trimester, but... it has been over a week and I want a bath. While we still have our gorgeous tub I want to enjoy it. I just can't take the fabulously hot soaks I like to take. Body temp will have to do. And it will. I learned from the most helpful guide that she gave us that so long as I keep the bath at body temp or below I'll be fine.

I woke up at 6:30 this morning. This is much preferred to the 4 a.m. wake up. I ended up reading in this guide for a good hour or more. I found answers to all sorts of questions that have occurred to me over the past week. Ah... it is so nice to have this handy guide.

This guide also helped me get less confused about the whole dating question. I didn't realize that due dates are set from the start date of your last menstrual period so when you conceive you're considered already 2 weeks or so along. So the radiologist's guess was March 6th. My cycle started March 8th. I must have been just under five weeks last Thursday, but because the heart was beating, JUST under. So the spotting later in the month was likely implantation spotting. Yup. Way less confused now.

Thanks, Kelly, for the FABULOUS gifts. And now off to check on the bath...

Sunday, April 13, 2008

4 a.m. feeder?

Well, I fell asleep without too much trouble last night. And I woke up slowly thinking "Ah... I slept. And I'm not nauseous. How glorious." I shifted and realized my lower back was sore and chalked that up to pregnancy too and took comfort in another sign that this is real. I spoke to the baby, urging the baby to stick tight and grow. I felt rested. I was sure it was nearly time to start my day. But I knew Kev would be waking me so I just rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. But I was too awake.

So I grabbed my cell phone to check the time- 4:00 a.m.. The other day I woke at 3:50. Hunh? Usually once I get to sleep I stay there. Kev is the one who awakens obscenely early on Sunday mornings. I nuzzle in as late as possible.

So, do you think this means the baby will be a 4:00 a.m. feeder?

Saturday, April 12, 2008

It Doesn't Add Up

So I could not, for the life of me, remember the start date of my last cycle- a rather important tidbit when trying to determine when conception might have occurred. I was so. not. paying. attention. anymore. I did know that I always tell my acupuncturist when I start a new cycle so she would have it on my chart. I started trying to get in touch with her on Tuesday, but no luck. She was home, very sick. And apparently not picking up messages early in the week and then when she was she still didn't have access to her charts. So I went to my first ultrasound without that little tidbit. It was too early to get an accurate date from the ultrasound. Apparently the ultrasound starts dating at 5 weeks so he was guessing I was right around 5 weeks along which would put conception around March 6th.

My family practice doctor, interpreting the blood test results and the symptoms was guessing six weeks. Apparently the level of hormones in my system indicated I was somewhere between one and three months along. O.K. so five weeks works too.

So I was figuring my cycle started in late February.

Then when I went to my reiki appointment on Friday my acupuncturist had left me a note indicate my last cycle started on March 8th and I had spotting for three days on or about the 21st. Hunh? My reiki practitioner confirmed this because I saw her a few days before the cycle start and was in the midst of a very bad three day headache that I couldn't understand at the time. But when my period started a few days later I e-mailed her to tell her that I understood the headache now. This was a classic p.m.s. symptom for me. It had been quite some time since that had been a harbinger of a coming cycle so I missed the clue.

So... either I had a period after we conceived.

Or... I'm less than five weeks along and just have very high hormone levels.

Or... no clue.

I'm looking forward to our first pregnancy appointment next Friday when I can present a midwife with all this jumbled data, when we'll have another ultrasound which will hopefully produce a date, when... some sense can be made of this.

So very strange.

I'm just so glad that it happened, whenever it did.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Lessons Learned- Number One

Never skip a meal during pregnancy.

Neither Kev nor I were all that hungry upon returning from Syracuse last night. So... we skipped dinner. I ate Pirate's Booty on the drive home and I think that's why I wasn't hungry then.

But when I was awakened at 3:50 this morning with pretty intense nausea I learned my lesson. Still not morning sickness, per se, but... I did not skip dinner tonight. (And yes, now there are crackers by the bed. Ginger snaps sound glorious, but as I'm avoiding sugar... probably not an option.)

I wrote my sermon by 8 a.m. though. That was nice. Think this pregnancy will turn me into a morning person???

Thursday, April 10, 2008

There's Someone In There

We had our first ultrasound this morning. Our baby is about 1/8th of an inch small right now. And we saw it. A yolk sack, and a teeny tiny being attached, and... a beating heart.

Best guess right now is that we are five weeks along.

We have our first pregnancy appointment a week from tomorrow. We'll have another ultrasound then to get a more accurate due date. And then not again for quite some time.

There is a heart beating inside of me.

We also told mom and dad today... this is really happening.

Who would have ever thought it?

Smiling sweetly at nausea upon waking.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

She's Exhausted for Days and Now She Can't Sleep

I was groggy, out of it. Stumbling around the bathroom, my eyes half closed. Knowing I shouldn't wait another day to take the test, but not sure where it was. And not sure why I was taking it- they're never positive anyhow. The last cycle was strange. I can't even remember now when it started. And there was strange bleeding in the midst of it. And then Sunday... nausea... and fatigue such as this often sleepy woman had never known before. But too tired on Monday to remember to take the test. So Tuesday morning it was. I almost didn't find the one test remaining from the box of three we bought some time ago. I almost gave up. But then... ah ha!

Stumbled to the toilet. Peed on the stick. Pulled it out and immediately, IMMEDIATELY a plus sign appeared. How many times over the past three years have I stared at those stinkin' sticks for 10 minutes waiting for a plus sign? How many times have I pulled them out of the trash just to be sure nothing had appeared in the 10 minutes since I gave up? And today... after two months of definitely not trying... after at least two months of no longer taking the prenatal vitamins... today it popped up immediately. And I laughed. Sarah laughed. Not an uproarious laugh mind you. A snort. No, more than a snort, a chortle. A disbelieving scoff. Now?

I am expert at counting to nine on my fingers and so I did. December. December... end of my first semester in a Ph.D. program. Well, that could be just about the only month in the next year that would make any sense. And I won't be leading a congregation through Advent this year, won't be preaching at 11:30 p.m. on Christmas Eve. Just yesterday I told Kev I was looking forward to holidays being holidays again. Maybe I'll have a babe in arms as he plays a Christmas Eve service this year.

I came down and showed him the test. The line was faint, but it was definitely there and I said repeatedly that it was there immediately. He was cautious. I was cautious. He asked at breakfast how I was feeling and I wasn't quite sure. I had random thoughts flitting through my head. "Better look for a house that would be good for a home birth." "Guess I won't be wearing a size 12 to Theresa's wedding." Can't remember what the other random thoughts were now. But as I reflect many hours later I realize that even though I wasn't giving in to sheer joy I was assuming I was pregnant and would be giving birth in Nashville in December.

Before breakfast at which I shared the flitting thoughts I stretched and prayed and listened to my pray-as-you-go podcast- today the reading was the stoning of Stephen. Stephen... a name we love. I never realized before how aggressive Stephen's preaching was. I thought "An 'I-statement' or two could have saved your life." At least he prayed mercy on those killing him.

I went straight to my doctor's office.Her receptionist was notably pregnant. I didn't have an appointment, but I asked for a few minutes of her time and I got it. She jumped up and gave me a hug as soon as I shared the news of the positive test. She assured me that the tests are remarkably accurate and so I probably had reason to be quite happy. She was the one who wrote infertility in the box for diagnosis and sent me spiraling into sorrow. She hugged me at least twice today. Her only sadness today was that I wouldn't be having the baby in Lowville. She sent me down for blood work immediately.

I waited in line to give my blood. I have sat in that waiting room so many times ready to stick out my arm and turn my head. Seated next to me in the waiting room was a woman who was quite pregnant and looked miserable. I have had this very blood test done so many times before, but today was different. The draw went terribly smoothly once I finally got in there.

And then off to the office to wait. I managed to write my pastor's report for session tonight before the call came from my doctor offering me "the best news of the day". My numbers are high, solid, no question we're pregnant. None. In fact, she suspects I'm at least six weeks along. Other cycles I would have been able to tell you precisely just how far along I am. Not now... no clue.

Called back the friend with whom I had been speaking when the doctor called. Called Kev. He seemed happy, but cautious yet. Called my sister, she was thrilled. And then I tried to plan worship. No I didn't try. I did. But I didn't work too hard at it. Sort of slapped the service together. Hope the Spirit and synchronicity kick in. I called my new fertility doctor, also an OB doc who works with midwives, to share the news and seek an appointment. I returned a call to a woman who usually swallows a good hour, but managed to keep it to 10 minutes. And then I went out for lunch- opted for protein. My sister has told me many times how important protein is in pregnancy. Mom called during lunch. I booked lunch with her for Thursday, before my afternoon appointment in Syracuse. Since we can tell her in person, I'm telling her in person. Rebecca, seminary roommate, called during lunch too and I got her nausea management tips. And then came home and did a bit of calling, a bit of working.

The doctor's office called back and we scheduled an ultrasound for Thursday- that's two days away- one now. Ultrasound, lunch with mom (maybe with dad and bro too if I can pull it off without making folks too suspicious), then the original appointment.

Talked with a friend for a good long time. She was giddy for me.

Planned the class I'll be teaching on Saturday.

Went upstairs to rest, but called a few more friends. I know. It is too soon to tell people. But... if anything goes wrong we are going to need some serious support. I'm not making a public announcement. I'm telling only one family in our small town. I'm telling family and people far away- for now. I'm doing this on purpose.

Went to my meetings and kept my mouth shut. I did say I was doing great in my check-in, and perhaps that raised eyebrows or stung as I should be sad to be leaving. But... I told the truth without telling it all.

I spoke some more with my sister, the apprentice midwife. Then I went to see the Adsit family. I was just going to tell Kelly and Tony, Kelly especially who has wept with me more than once through this struggle. But the kids were curious. And they've been sworn to secrecy and the need for the secrecy was thoroughly and carefully explained. So the whole family knows. And I feel good about that. Tony told me to drive home safely. We live a few blocks away.

And now I'm wide awake. In the middle of the night. I learned today that antihistamines are out of the question for the first trimester so my preferred sleep aid is out of the question. I figured I'd start a baby blog. Maybe there will be no baby. But... there's a better chance tonight that there will be a baby. And I'll be keeping a record of the pregnancy, etc. here.

As my sister said at least once today, "If nothing else, you've done it. You've finally conceived. Your ovaries are working. Your uterus is working. Kev's sperm are working. You're pregnant. You really are. And should anything happen, not that it will, but should it... you're having this experience now."

I really am. We really are. Praise God.