Whenever someone is starting a trying to conceive journey, my advice to them is to hold their dreams lightly.
Why do we always advise the one thing we cannot do?
One would think that in the several years of trying to get pregnant when I learned how painful it was to hold tight to hope month after month only to have that hope break hard like waves against a rocky shore month after month... one would think that I would have learned to let go... to hold the emotional terrain of life lightly.
Caroline has had a rough stretch with very disrupted sleeping, lots of upset crying times. It has been exhausting. All three of us are sleep deprived. Rather than simply breathing through it, I was beginning to get worn down by it. I was beginning to only be able to answer the question "How's Caroline?" with "Great, but INTENSE." (And then I was feeling like a lousy mom for not having all sorts of gushy things to say about my baby.) I was allowing this rough stretch to convince me that the next 18 years are going to be filled with only exhausting challenge (of course they will, but that is not ALL that they will be).
But for the last 24 hours or so (at least when she's been under my care) she has been quite content. She has slept beautifully- taking naps and sleeping better (though not great) at night. She has had squeely laughing moments and big smiles, curious raised eye brows and funny faces. She has been delightful. And I am conscious that I am holding just as tightly to this more graced period as I was to the rough one before. I want to announce to the world "She's BETTER! She's happy and calm again!" I'm contemplating facebook updates... But... then I remember how glorious she was Sunday morning (after a rough stretch before) and how miserable she was Sunday afternoon into evening. And then I remember that she has had great sleeping stretches before, only to be followed by hard ones.
It would be much kinder on my mind and body if I could just let every moment be, if I could accept but not cling to these moments. However she is in any moment is how she is in that moment. And however she is, she is deeply beloved. Even when we're exhausted, she's deeply beloved. Even when we don't know what to do, she's deeply beloved. In every moment. And every moment passes... which is sometimes sad and sometimes glorious. But it is what it is.
When I grow up I want to learn to hold things lightly.